Mother's Love

Growing up with my Mom was different for me.  The only Mom I knew was my step mom.  I know she did the best she could, as far as loving me.  I really never felt that she loved me.  Especially after my sister came along.  I didn't know that my birth Mother passed away when I had just turned one year old and my brother had just turned two in January.  We were both born in January, not a year apart.  For five days we are the same age.  He was born January 19, 1948 and I was born January 14, 1949.  She passed away February 28, 1950 at the young age of twenty one.  So sad that I can't remember anything about her.  I only have a few pictures of her.  My brother doesn't remember anything about her either.  We would have felt how a Mother truly loves her children if she had just lived.  I really miss not having that feeling.  Knowing that she would have hugged us and loved us no matter what.  I had several health issues when I was born.  My right eye was crossed terrible.  I saw double and lots of time I would run into things, like the doorways.  I would see two and wasn't able to tell which one was real.  So I would hit into it.  That's one thing I remember very well.  I had to go to an eye doctor and I did kind of feel special then.  Because it was just Mom and me together.  They always put drops in my eyes and it would dilate them and the sun would bother my eyes terrible.  The doctor gave me paper sunglasses to wear and as we waited for the drops to work we would go have lunch.  I really felt special then.  I had to wear glasses very young.  Most times my eye would still be crossed and when I started school I really had lots of teasing and bullying.  I hated those glasses.  On top of everyone and the teasing, Mom picked my glasses for me.  This was not what I wanted at all.  I guess she thought I wasn't able to choose glasses that I liked.  But then again maybe it was the cost.  I'm really not sure, but the color was a bright pink and that only made the glasses more noticed.  I would have rather have a different color.  Something that wasn't so bright and loud.  But I got through it, with many days of the teasing and going home and crying.  It was sad.  I loved my Dad lots.  He worked two full time jobs.  So we didn't see him very much.  We would take his supper to him in the afternoon and then he would leave from that job and go to his second full time job.  On weekends he worked half days and we did see him a little more.  But most of the time he would be busy working on trucks and cars for people.  He did work lots.  He said before he passed that he wished he would have spent more time with us.  I was so messed up that I looked for male attention and love, when it shouldn't have been.